July 5, 2015

Beginning my quest for freedom

Taken in Feb 2015
I've been a big gal all my life. Very skinny as a little kid, until probably 8 or so, that's when I started getting bigger. No one in my immediate family really controlled what I was eating. My grandparents would make the worst food for you: veggies fried in butter, pastries, sweets, other traditional dishes fried in butter...they gave me whatever I wanted, whenever, and always had food available. So I never really learned how to eat. That is, how to control myself, how to choose the right foods, how to portion meals, etc. I'm not blaming my eating habits today on them, just saying this is the way I grew up. So when I started thinking about my weight and overall health and how to change it, I sat there like "I have no idea how to eat".

This is me when I was 11 with my brother
I've been picked on most of my life for being big, by family, friends, strangers, doctors, society. Sometimes it's just a look. Other times it's someone screaming out their car window at me to quit eating as they drive by. Most often it's my mind thinking negative thoughts. If you're someone who has never been overweight/obese in your life, first off, be glad, and secondly, be empathetic. If you ever stop to wonder why larger people have crappy self esteem, it's because of how they're treated just for their size. Don't believe me? Get a fat suit for one day and see how people react. Anyway, off on a tangent, didn't really want to soapbox there. My point of all of this is I'm tired. Tired of feeling bad, tired of being limited, tired of being fat.

A co-worker of mine had been trying this thing called Personal Trainer Food. His arguments for using it were that he doesn't have to cook ('cause he literally has zero time) and it actually tasted good. Now, this is a guy who is very literal and detail oriented, so when he said this, I believed him. I decided to give it a try.

I'm not worried about the cost because I was spending that in groceries and eating out monthly. I chose the REV plan, because I want to take advantage of the first few months of my weight loss (you lose more faster the fatter you are, how funny huh?). I'm working a FT job and a PT job right now, so I don't really want to get home at 9:30pm and have to make breakfast/lunch/dinner for the next day, every day. I can just grab these and go. Plus, I don't have to worry about shopping (because I really don't like shopping and have some social anxiety), prep time, cook time, buying containers to keep it all in, portioning it out, having enough space to hold all the containers in my fridge...this program is like, a no-brainer for me.

Right now, I'm on day 2. Fasting is honestly not as difficult as I thought it would be. Yes, I'm hungry. But I'm not like, ready to pass out or eat a horse or grouchy or anything. But I'll tell you, every time I see a picture of food or smell food I'm like, WANT. I actually had a dream last night that I woke up this morning and had 4 breakfast sandwiches in front of me, and before I knew it I had eaten 3 of them, and I was like, CRAP, I just messed up my fasting (my mind apparently has to find a way to make me anxious ALL the time, even while sleeping). Also, I feel like, lighter, like I can move easier and almost as if I have a little bounce in my step. I have more energy than I normally do (which is a HUGE deal if you know me, I am ALWAYS tired no matter what).

Tomorrow I start the food. This is my start to being free of everything that's clamping down on me right now, and I'm so excited.

Stats: 328 lb, my neck measures 17.5", bust 60", waist 60" and hips 64"

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